i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
