So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
