She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
