What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
