Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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