She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
