Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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