i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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