careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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