u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
