I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I supernannyed him into submission
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
