i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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