quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
