I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
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So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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