I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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