I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
