my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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