It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
