It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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