pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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