You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
