He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
