Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
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Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
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No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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