THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
