I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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