This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
