i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How external is "for external use only"?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
