I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
