They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.