he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.