my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive