Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's blow job season.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize