Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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