Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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