just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
