Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
