singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
