I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
