It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
