The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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