thus making me awesome and them whores
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When did angry sex become our thing?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
