Just took my morning after pill in the library
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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