Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
