Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
