what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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