i think i have two assholes
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
