I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
