Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
