When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
