I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's always time for handjobs
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
