just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
