I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
