apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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