Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
