So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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