Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
