Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
