im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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