matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
