We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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