my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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