somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
